Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize