sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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