Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
