Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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