did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
