I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
