I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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