Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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