I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
