I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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