the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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