Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
