I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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