remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
