if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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