Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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