i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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