the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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