dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
