I think I just saw someone hide a body.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
