I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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