she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
