apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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