I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
