things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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