I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize