I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
