yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
