She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
