My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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