Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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