Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
