u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
