yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
