Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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