Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
