also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
