I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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