i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
