I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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