The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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