someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
