U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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