You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize