Dude my mom stole all your condoms
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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