Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
