Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
