I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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