You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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