my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
