Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just want to make out with him forever
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize