I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
