We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
