Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
