I feel great
I just peed on a car
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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