Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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