I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
