you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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