...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
