I didn't shave. On purpose
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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