First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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